"I WANT TO LIVE" (Continue?..)
Please visit the main collection page here:→ Proof of life (continued...)← to experience proper world building as it is meant to exist.
🎵📽️ Music Video of embarrassing vulnerable context. ❤️🩹"I WANT TO LIVE" but not like this....🦷🩺🩻🩸💊🪦
This video is the hardest thing I've ever publicly shared.
More than the video itself, which is basically just a 12 month snapshot of events that led up to the beginning of the Proof of life (continued...) collection being created. Trying to build up the courage to attempt to contextualize the years leading up to it, explain the captured moments in the video and give absolute transparency around my life and health in the present is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
I was so grateful for those who rallied together and showed support in helping me escape what seemed like an impossible situation and move across the country. the thought of bursting the perceived bubble that changing geographical location alone would of course correct all the severe health issues I've had.
The reality is, having to quickly move across the country, I lost access to my health insurance, which honestly wasn't very helpful as you can see in the video as I violate hipaa...
As I type this, I'm currently on my 2nd cycle of really strong antibiotics after my Jaw got infected the day before my birthday (May 23 1981) and sent my entire body septic....
The problem is, My Dental Surgery is very complex, very risky and unrealistically expensive, it's not something that can be done in waves, It has to all be taken care of at once. Because of this, I've been on antibiotics twice a year for the past decade which destroyed other parts of my body and worse, my body is resistant to antibiotics at this point. My last severe infection happened while at storage a week before moving across the country in February of this year. This gave me a small window of false hope thinking moving across the country improved my health as 90% of my really bad symptoms subsided.
About a month after moving in to the new house, they slowly came back, and suddenly ramped up worse than ever before, I pushed through it like a trooper, using whatever small moments of relief I had to document as much as possible while I still could, but there were multiple days I just wanted to end things. It's a level of physical pain I can't even begin to describe, but I pushed as long as possible until I reached a critical state earlier this week. I spoke with the Doctor for an hour who made it clear that I am trading temporary relief that won't last due to how resistant my body is to antibiotics and when the infection eventually wins, It will come back much quicker, much stronger and much worse than I've experienced thus far.... Basically, I'm on a clock, a very small window while these antibiotics are trying to fight this infection to attack the cause of the infection at its root... My unrealistically expensive, complicated and very risky jaw surgery.
I am tired... I've been a silent trooper for years pushing through this all alone and hiding the extent of how bad it is because it's just too heavy to burden people with. If you watched the full video, you know that my Dental issues aren't the only severe health issue, though allowing it to go unchecked so long absolutely caused most of the other issues, Spinal tumor obviously not related... It's super overwhelming. It's overwhelming to share publicly, it's overwhelming to share privately and has alienated loved ones, friends and community. I push forward with a sense of purpose because I don't want to make anyone sad, but most of all this is overwhelming existence and no matter how heavy it sounds, it's my reality and i've fought as long as humanly possible to endure it... but this isn't living, this isn't what I want to be remembered for and this isn't how I want to spend my limited time on earth.
I pivoted to documenting legacy via smart contracts in early 2021 when I realized after years of health slowly deteriorating and then suddenly escalating to critical levels that made existing in my own body feel like a curse daily... I mainly focused on documenting back catalog records from the mid 90's - 2016 as 1/1's on Catalog Works. As of today 110 records exist with very extensive back stories, I then begin slowly world building via photos and videos surrounding those albums on Foundation with multiple 1/1 collections with 56 1/1's as of writing this.
Beyond my expansive 3+ decade music career, with my health being so critical to the point of extreme isolation, unable to go out into the world or socialize, I created a collection meant to show proof of human, proof I existed out in the world, connecting and touching people, adventuring in nature and traveling the country.
Leaving breadcrumbs of context about my health scattered within backstories written in the descriptions of my artifacts.
In May of 2023, I released a series of Freestyles I began recording daily on my Tascam that were never intended to be public... With lots of encouragement from C.Y. (cxy) I finally mustered up the courage to make the entire series public.
With Chapters 1 - 4 (2015-2020) only existing on Catalog Works and Chapter 5 (2020-2022) existing on Super Collector. I wrote a pretty in depth backstory which explained my health situation, and if you listen to them fully from Chapter 1 to Chapter 5, you can hear in real time as I slowly come to terms privately with what was happening and escalating as time passed with Chapter 5 being basically my Farewell.
I have so much more I want to document... I hate feeling like I'm letting people down, but I've endured this way too long. It's impossible to focus on creating in the present with so much legacy and important lore still left undocumented, but I don't even know If I will be able to fully execute that. I'm not well... I tried so hard to stay the course and focus on conviction with consistency while spreading love and creating tiny ripples and hope things would all just work out, but having a clock counting down and being fully conscious that your body is going to betray you in the most savage way is a hard pill to keep swallowing while holding out for hope.
I'm very proud of the path I walked in my lifetime and can say I lived a very rewarding and fulfilling life without ever faltering my spirit...
Holding onto purpose these days feels impossible, which I didn't think was ever possible, I don't like the world and systems that are being built right now and I really don't want to go out with a disgruntled spirit so I'm sharing my most vulnerable reality with a singular purpose. To leave no room for questions and ask for forgiveness and compassion when the time comes I can no longer be a trooper and continue enduring... I've been an absolute superhero, I shouldn't be right now...... This has been GAME + and I'm honestly grateful I was able to exist another year and reunite with loved ones IRL even if for very short periods.
If you would like to learn more about what I've dedicated my entire life to.... Please deep dive in the links below. The most important part is the back stories attached.
Thankfully.... Even if the platforms cease to exist after I'm no longer here to pivot, the media and meta data that's tied together will still exist thanks to blockchain....
so no rush.
Proof of life (Continue?)
🔗DUTCHMASSIVE via CATALOG WORKS🔗
🔗FOUNDATION - Further Context🔗
🔗PASSTHEDUTCH.ORG - Compilation + Fundraiser🔗
🔗Digital Artifacts Collected by Dutchyyy.eth🔗
🔗Music Collected via Bandcamp by Dutch🔗
🎧 Track ID: 🔗 "8 Million Woes" - Produced by Dutchyyy 🔗