While Waiting for the Deaths of Those I Admire

I read hundreds of books and studied for years to be able to describe everything about them. I tried to read dictionaries and every source about their etymology to learn the words I didn't know how to understand. Still, I couldn't express my admiration for them. Many people saw me as a romantic with this side of me, but I just tried to express my feelings and define what was in my mind better. Sometimes they ignored me and walked away smiling, sometimes they looked at me with surprise and closed the door in my face. Each time I got more and more ambitious and didn't stop pounding on their doors. I still haven't figured out why I'm so ambitious, I've always avoided questioning it in depth, saying it's just my nature.

I once subjected someone to such words that his face began to turn red, his pupils dilated, and he began to slobber and curse at me. Even though I couldn't understand his reaction at first, when I returned to my own home, I agreed with what he said to me. I had spoken such foul-mouthed, sharp words that it meant that I was no longer admiring him, but worshiping him. However, wasn't it me who gave up worshiping and gods? Why was I now deifying another being, someone whose reality I saw and who was of my kind? I felt like everything was back to the beginning again, back to those past years when I was trying to find a meaning in living and that's why I took refuge in beliefs. Fortunately, I realized this before it was too late and I did not go down that path that I did not want to return to. Now I have to go through dictionaries again and try to find better definitions and meanings. I must make them hear my words before they leave this place.

December, 2023

by Demon Ego